There are many unwritten stories too though I struggle with those. I have many ideas that remain unfinished. It is difficult to articulate them.
I’ve never understood why people think I am very articulate. It is something that has been said of me all my life and yet I know just how much I am not articulating.
I think that is why I like painting. I can articulate in images and colours. I wonder if those times when I stop painting are due to that sort of frozen state I get mentally. A mental fatigue where I cannot figure out what I am thinking or feeling or seeing. I am in survival mode. I need recharging and restoring and sometimes I just need to hide from the world. There is too much world and there is too much going on in my head so I cannot process it all. I cannot be creative or articulate when my brain is whirring with all of the things I am supposed to do like pay a bill or make a meal and it feels as though I have forgotten how to do those things. It feels as though my body is made of lead and I cannot possibly do those things. But then I do something, maybe a trivial thing but something and I feel guilt. If I can do this why can I not do that?
I have not painted in about a month, after painting constantly for a month or two prior. I cannot paint when stressed and yet not painting causes some stress. It’s a difficult place to get out from but I will. The desire is there but the body is not yet willing. And there is some fear. What if I have forgotten how? The way back in is to not paint a thing, but a feeling. Today I managed an hour of painting and this is what I got onto two small canvases. It’s a start.